Why it’s hard for me to let you in

You asked me if I’d let you discover me. If I’d let you see parts of me that I showed to no one else. If I ever wanted you to know me. And I think I did. You reached parts of my heart that no one else did. I even told you I regret it, now that it seems to be gone. But I don’t. I think you belong in a part of my soul. You are that experience I never had. That one thing that I always wanted to know how it looks like, how it feels like. And by feels like I mean what’s the feeling you have when I let myself be loved by someone like you.

But it’s so hard for me to actually let you inside my mind. Go through all the layers of my being. Unraveling myself like an open book. Like peeling an onion’s coats one by one. It’s hard for me to feel naked in front of you. Not physically, but emotionally & mentally. And I swear, it’s not you, it’s me. It is the girl that never actually learnt to deal with her past. At least yet. Yet. I don’t know yet how to take someone in. How to embrace someone like it’s part of my soul. I still don’t know how to let a person collide in my heart, dissolve in my skin and become another memory on the list. Because I know how hard it feels to let go when you realize that someone becomes the tissue which your body rejects. You start to feel sick, and your immunity would do everything to get back to the initial state of your body. It’s like a heart transplant that doesn’t work. Because your body won’t accept the new heart. It will fight against it. It’s a stranger to it. A virus. A sickness. A disease meant to keep you alive, pump blood through your veins, and yet your body rejects it.

I don’t want you to be the transplant my body rejects. I wish I could fully cover you in me. Melt you over me. Stain my touches with your smell, your mind, your dilated pupils, your fingers, your cheek bones. But I can’t now.