I still don’t know how to fully, tirelessly forgive everyone. I encounter so many people day by day and they do me wrong. Because of my temper, I get mad so easily. It pisses me off even when people put three spoons of sugar in my coffee, instead of two. And living in the States, can be sometimes very annoying. Some people don’t know that Romania is not in North Africa and that we actually have internet over there. I don’t even want to go into bigger issues like selfishness and ignorance. People being okay with what is happening right now around the world. People who ditch on me and make me feel alone (like leaving your parents house to study an ocean away isn’t lonely enough sometimes). People in college who whine about how much they miss home around me. People who joke at me and hurt my feelings. And don’t worry. I have plenty of sense of humor. But some people, man, some people… They just don’t get it when to stop. Or the ones who don’t get what’s the thing with me and Jesus and they feel like they should randomly throw an opinion over my beliefs. The guys that broke my heart last year or what about that one big love that I once had. The times life crushed me and my best friend betrayed me. It’s those moments when you are down, shattered in thousands of pieces that lay on the floor.
It happens every day, right? I mean, we meet all these friends, acquaintances or maybe family who hurt us. Deliberately or unwillingly, they do. Funny to think how to sin or to make mistakes is human. And by human I mean it’s in our nature. It’s in me, running through my blood, to hurt the people I love. To throw painful sarcastic lines to people I don’t even know. It it’s our nature to diminish other people’s personalities. To be rough on others for the decisions they make. To break my promises. To lie. To cheat. To betray. I wish this would never happen. And I’m not thinking here about the hippie concept of „world peace.” I wish this would never be part of me. I wish being mean toward a person wouldn’t be normality.
I’m 19. Strange how times passes so quickly. It’s just the beginning of my life. But I feel like I’ve discovered the world’s biggest secret these days. I realized how every problem in my life comes down to one thing: forgiveness. I was trying to figure out this specific time in my life when I was able to let go of the things that tore my heart apart in the past. Many people say that you become free of burden when you accept and forgive. But even though that is true, forgiveness is a double-edged sword for me. I do forgive. But forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget. It means that you purely choose not to condemn a person for doing you wrong.
Let me tell you the story of how I forgave you.
It hurt so much. I was in deep pain. It’s like waking up in the middle of the night from your biggest nightmare. It was that heavy burden on my chest every day. It even made breathing difficult. I’d roam around the town, like a ghost, looking for something that is not there anymore. Even after all this time, I still don’t know how I have the power to write about this. The memory is still so vivid, so clear to me. My eyes can still picture the moments when I’d lay in my best friends arms crying like every bone in me was crushing. I think God wept with me that night. I believe He wept for me every time I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I’d just stop thinking how stupid this was. You wanted to talk about it so many times, and I’d say „yes” to each of them. But then I’d leave the room feeling even more hate towards you. I couldn’t believe how the feeling of love could turn so easily in what we call hate. I though the quote saying that there is such a thin line between love and hate was only a stupid Tumblr thing. But it became reality. I think of all the breaths I didn’t take in those moments. I was just surviving. Clearly, I didn’t know how to deal with having my entire world crushed by a person. And I promise I’m not being a drama queen, when I say that my entire world was crushed. Because as a human you’re built to seek love. The Creator made you seek love, as He is love. He wants you to have love in your veins. So my reaction was normal. You took that one thing I loved the most.
But I swear to Him, the day I forgave you was the most beautiful day of my life. The day when I let go of the square where you told me you loved me. The day when I let go of every piece of asphalt that held our footprints. The places where I laid with you in utter darkness. The seconds when I accepted that you took away parts of my heart with you. And that was perfectly okay. Because now I could fill the empty places with a new me. Everything was completely fine. All of a sudden I felt like I could totally be your friend once again. And silence slowly hovered over my soul. My brain stopped filling in the unknown blanks that I had. I didn’t even need any explanation. I didn’t want any answer anymore. I couldn’t care less what are you doing with your life anymore. I stopped wondering who are the new persons in your life. And I understood that you don’t even have a good reasoning for what had happened. I quit on hating your smell. Or being jealous at your hair.
I just needed to hear „I’m sorry”. And I forgave you. I could live again with your memory inside my head. Having you around me was once again normal. God knows I took a step backwards. I could love you once again.
Forgive me for not forgiving you earlier. And thank you, whoever you are, for teaching me the lesson of forgiveness.
„I want to let you know that I forgive you, but I’m still waiting for you to tell me sorry.”
*credit for gif Antoine Dore